I am fascinated by love. I love love. I love to love. But I’m not sure I’d say that I’ve been IN love. Or would I? How would you define love? I’ve never been ‘lovesick’ let’s say. Never had that sickening, all encompassing feeling towards another - the beautiful euphoria described in Shakespeare or Hollywood Romcoms. That romantic dream of ‘losing yourself to love’ was a concept I’d never embraced. So for a long time, underneath all the hype, the word ‘love’ had lost its meaning to me.
About two years ago I had my palm read. The woman looked intently at the lines on my hand and told me, “you are too logical in love”. I didn’t give much weight to how genuine her reading was, it was at a corporate event and I had caught her at the end of a long line of palms, but I still pondered her vague provocation.
Heartstrings Photo by Emz_Imagery for VisAble Knott a film for Headspace Australia
I would say I’m a romantic...but also a realist. A romantic realist. What does that mean? I’ve always adored Disney, the ballets, and the idea of romantic gestures and deep affection between two people. I’d fall into fairy tales in a heartbeat. But for the most part I believed this kind of romantic love is just that, a fairytale. To me, this love was inherently illogical... ill, an illness. One becomes lovesick don’t they? Or blinded by love? The thought of irrationally binding myself to somebody didn’t give me a giddy sense of joy, it made me afraid of love altogether. This kind of love looked like a compromise I wasn’t willing to make. I thought, if that really is love then I’ll take the clarity of loneliness thanks.
Yet strangely, despite my aversion to the idea of being IN love, I seem to have had a number of people fall in love with me, or at least tell me so, whatever that means. Now I’ve found myself reflecting on the rather strange relationship I’ve had with love to date; a cursed pattern of unrequitedness.
Receiving unexpected expressions of deep affection has been genuinely moving but also heart wrenching, because each incident was always heavily laden with guilt and shame. I’d scour my memory of our interactions trying to find what I had done wrong - how I had unconsciously become the “evil temptress”.
I never believed I was particularly deserving of the deep love offered to me, or that if these people really received romantic, Juliette-style love from me, they would actually want it at all. I’d not welcomed the deal that I seem to have unwillingly brokered with love. But now I’m finally starting to understand it, I think the world should too.
What I often consider very deeply is the power of compassion. Fundamentally, I believe responding earnestly to someone seeking connection shouldn’t ever be considered wrong. Reflecting on my connections with people, I’ve recognised how much I enjoy listening to those who are both similar and dissimilar to me. Discovering others’ unique souls is something I’ve always sought. I’ve realised this is something I might be doing differently. I think ultimately, people are all just wanting to be heard and accepted for who they are. I suppose when people feel heard and accepted, they feel love. And the ‘love’ euphoria is intoxicating. It’s something no double tap heart emoji can ever emulate.
Meanwhile our cultural messaging tells us that we are somehow incomplete without a partner. Perhaps it’s the burning feminist within me but I’ve been bent on the ideology of “I don’t need a man” since I was nine years old dancing to the Pussycat Dolls’ 2005 release. Maybe I’ve always felt a desire to break this trend and so the tiny anarchist in me made me immune to the glossy Hollywood depiction of love... it also probably made me fear it.
But lately I’ve been thinking, what if we all gave and accepted love more freely? Would we find more love for ourselves in return? What if we saw love more simply, and in all its many forms? A deeply compassionate, embodied and self-accepting kind of love, that fights fear of loneliness, exclusion or self-loathing.
I have luckily always felt an abundance of love for and from my family and close friends. But I also often feel love for strangers, acquaintances… trees. It’s not the same kind of love. Or is it? Because that kind of love to me is logical. Unbound from barriers or expectations. Beautiful and simple.
What about the love that sunshine brings as it tickles your skin? What about the love someone gives you when they smile as they walk past you in the street? The love you recieve in cuddles and companionship from pets? Love from close friendships, mentors or family members? The love from a stranger in the lineup to the bathroom who listens with their whole drunken heart and really cares when you talk with them about your ex...I’m sure there’s endless equivalents. It’s all love that can fill the heart.
Since I started considering love like this, my fear of love as a ‘crazy sickness’ has dissolved. Because to love abundantly is both freeing and grounding. It can’t be blinding, only clarifying. Abundant love opens you up to who you are, lifts you and supports your growth. And to have this love with a romantic partner doesn’t mean you’re losing or giving away any part of yourself to that person, you’re simply sharing it in all its abundance.
Perhaps in only valuing fairytale romance and believing we find all our love and self worth within one other person, we’ve lost sight of the love that’s all around us, everyday. So when someone comes along and freely offers abundant love, we openly mistake it for the fairytale and the kind of love that comes with expectations rather than something we can both give and receive easily.
I wish I’d felt this way when I received vulnerable love in the past. Perhaps at times they were giving their love freely to me but instead of receiving their love thankfully and without burden, my own guilt veiled its beauty.
Now, I no longer feel cursed or ashamed for this affinity with love. Instead I see its beauty. Because if the feeling of love is actually just the feeling of being accepted and supported, it's something I’d want every person I encounter to feel. I won’t withhold love to avoid uncomfortable situations. Instead, I’m going to continually establish better ways of receiving and giving love more freely.
Call me logical, but I think if we all took a little more care, gave and acknowledged love in the many forms it comes in then I believe we wouldn’t seek a strange fairytale... why would we? We’d already be head over heels in love with ourselves and the world around us.